humor, Writing

Things writer’s tears are good for


We collect our tears because writer’s tears are magical and can be used in various ways. If you don’t collect your tears you should start. If you don’t weep when you edit… well, you need to Edit Harder… and tears will happen.

Things Writer's tears are good for

Writer’s tear common uses

  1. Puting three, and Only three, drops into ones alcoholic beverage of choice in order to spur on inspiration.
  2. Place a bowl of tears on the doorstep in order to lure your muse back into the house
  3. If your muse has ditched you, in order to call forth another muse, take 15 drops of writer’s tears, mix with Guinness Beer in a bowl and go into the forest on a Harvest Moon… and wait. Sometimes you get a unicorn or a sprite or a demon… but sometimes, yes sometimes, you get a muse. Snatch it with a bug catcher net and quickly put it into a bottle. Shake bottle as needed for inspiration. Feed muse frequently with Guinness Beer and fresh bread and milk. Keep all Iron and silver away from it at all times.
  4. Sell a bottle of 30 tears each for $1000 dollars to help give you some side income. Said tears will encourage creative thinking in every field. Side effects include: uncontrollable crying, predicting the ending to every TV show and movie, the compulsion to buy several books from any book store in your vicinity and also occasional night time online book buying.
  5. Getting wine stains out of blood stained clothing.
  6. As an essential oil that smells vaguely like old books and nostalgia and that story you really liked.
  7. Rub some on your hands for writer’s cramp.
  8. Apply a whole bottle (100 tears) to a bottle of old well aged wine to cure writer’s block. Drink entire bottle of wine. If this does not work, as sometimes it takes several tries, collect the writer’s tears from the failed attempts… these are precious and must never, ever be wasted.
  9. ONLY IN DIRE NEED. Add two entire bottles to your favourite lotion, slather all over your naked body. Dance around a burning fire on a blood moon chanting ‘I don’t like it here anymore. This world sucketh. This world sucketh.’ And a portal to another world will open. It may open to a slighly less shity universe. It may open to a universe where your books is Reality. It may open to a world exactly like ours but without pizza. That is why it is only to be used when the zombie apocalypse happens (and we know it is coming)
  10. And finally, for hydration. Staying hydrated is important. So… you know if you have no water on hand… I don’t know… drink those. But then cry a lot after to replenish your sources. Which may make you dehydrated… so… there is that.

Many of us forget the Lore of the Tears. And this is just a reminder of Some of the Many uses for our tears. There is also How to call a Dragon to eat your Neighbour but that one isn’t recommended unless your neighbour is a real dick.

See more about writers

How not to write a book
How you know you’re a writer
Writer confessions

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