There are things that happen the moment you turn forty. Now, I have no idea what happens to you when you turn 40 and have kids… I don’t have kids. I imagine something horrific like feeling old or something.
But things happen just by turning 40. And I shall explain them.
- Suddenly out of nowhere you have back pain. Sometimes just from sleeping. Not bad all the time but it is there when it wasn’t before.
- Heartburn is now a Thing. Where does it come from? No one even knows. Likely all the rage at the world just burning in our stomachs. Or some medical blah blah
- Things now click and crack that didn’t before. And I’m double-jointed, I can crack everything. Just now it sounds like popcorn when I stand up.
- Gray hair will spontaneously explode onto your scalp. I went prematurely gray and had my first gray hair at 16. This is because I am both insanely wise and just epicly stressed. But normal people BAM gray hairs at 40… and where there is 1 there is 10 and where there is 10 there is 30. It is just that you’re leveling up on wisdom that didn’t exist prior to 40. No wisdom then. Wisdom comes After 40 and only after 40.
- You used to be passive and easy-going. Just letting things slide. Walked all over. And now you will Not PUT UP WITH SHIT. So good. All good.
- Women get one to 89 boob hairs. Just kidding. That doesn’t happen. But I freaked you out, didn’t I? Heeheeheeeeeee
- You’re dark sense of humour gets darker. So much darker. The more death looms ahead the darker the humour gets. By the time you get to 90 it is evil dark humour.
- You call people in their 20’s babies. Aww he/she is still just a wee baby who hasn’t been crushed by obligations and responsibilities yet. Aww. *gentle sobbing*
- Damn it I lost my train of thought. But that is normal because that is also a thing that now happens.
- You have an epic midlife crisis. Yes, it is midlife. The average person lives to less than 80. So yeah you’re having a midlife crisis not an existential crisis. So simmer down you don’t need that classic car or motorbike. Or botox or what not. Just dye your hair purple and go with the flow, man.
Also we have no fucks to give. We gave them all already. They are all gone. None left.
Hey, YOU, get OFF my LAWN!
Excuse me, sorry, where was I?
Damn it, I forgot where I was at.
But that is fine because being 40 is fine. You dress the same. Talk the same. Whatever. You don’t have to grow up if you don’t want to… but you do have to pay your bills and your mortgage because that will come to bite you in the ass if you don’t. But dye your hair blue. Dress however you like… but not at work because they don’t like that. Be your own person… but not at work because they don’t like that. Swear a lot to relieve stress… but not at work because they don’t like that. Work… because you have to. Play… because you must.
You can trust me. I know things. I am super wise with my gorgeous snow white locks of wonder. And, also, I am 42… which means I have been at this game for 2 whole years of 40-ness.